The one where Zoey's parents Visit
by OnehitWonder7777777
Summary: Just a fun little story for Zoey/Mike fans. Oh, the Yetis and conut count as characters? That's hilarious!


Author's Note

I loved the United States of Tara but it canceled after only 3 seasons. I adore the Total Drama series, and like the new characters in season 4. This is all what lead to this, and maybe other little one shots I'm capable of making.

…..

Late in the afternoon, Mike had just gotten away from his job at the movie rental shop. It wasn't a hard job, just a very boring one because not many people rented videos anymore. He was left in the shop, almost completely alone every day, except for two guys that Mike changed shifts with. He kept the job because it was stress free and that's how he could keep it for so long.

The couch was empty of stuff and totally inviting so Mike plopped on it, face in a pillow.

Zoey heard him come in so left their room and went sit down next to him.

"Hard day?" She asked in her usual chipperness.

"Oh yeah, I almost had to raise my head off the counter because there was a shadow in the window…" his eyes were huge with mock excitement.

"So was it a customer?" Her big gray eyes filled him with great comfort.

"Nope, just a stray dog and he didn't want a movie." Mike felt good to talk about having a boring life with his girlfriend. It was a normal thing and they rarely were normal.

Zoey felt good to see Mike content with life instead of dripping with guilt and dread. He was doing so well she felt he deserved a little fun.

Mike was sitting up so she took his head with both hands and gave him a sweet kiss. He liked where she was going so kissed back and pulled her closer.

He was playing with her hair when Mike felt something like hands go near the bottom of his shirt. "Go south or hands over the shirt." He said between a kiss.

Zoey sighed in the back of her throat. "Fine. *kiss* Go for mine." She liked his goofy smile as he took her request.

They were very happy getting in position until there came knocking at the door.

Even though she barely cared, Zoey still murmured, "One of us should get that."

"It can wait."

"It could be Cameron ."

"He loves us, he'll understand."

"That's true."

The knocking continued, annoying Mike enough to bite Zoey's lip but not turn into Chester…not yet. She pushed him back a little and said,

"Go, tell whoever it is to get lost, then I'll do you." Zoey said in a saucy little voice.

Mike thought of how that could be said in a naughtier way; he liked how sweet-natured Zoey was, though. "Five minutes."

He was pulling away but stayed connected to her by their lips. "Scratch that, five seconds."

Mike speeded through their kitchen, thinking that he was going to open the door to poor Cameron with his head stuck in a hamster cage. It was that time of the week.

As he was opening the door, he says "Whatever it is, I strongly suggest you turn around right now before get a frying pan and-"

He opened the door to Zoey's parents and his body went cold.

"What about a frying pan?" Zoey's mom asked patiently.

In a state of terror, Mike closed the door in their faces. He took a few minutes to inhale, tried controlling how loud it was, and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. He texted Zoey who had just arrived and then heard her rumbling in the other rooms.

One last deep breathe, and Mike went back to the door.

He opened the door again, this time with a big smile and an awkward laugh.

"I am so sorry bout that, I was just…"

"Getting a frying pan?" Zoey's father asked.

Zoey's father, Henry, was a very big man; not fat, just tall and with a wide built. He lost hair on top but had a very thick mustache; also Zoey's eye color.

Zoey's mother, Beverly, looked like Zoey but shorted with darker red hair and a fuller figure.

They didn't look hateful towards him, but Mike still felt his stomach wriggle and that lead to his voice getting a higher pitch.

"HA HA HA HA HA, I was getting the frying pan to, uhh….offer guests _pancakes_!" Mike heard how stupid he sounded but couldn't stop it from coming out. "Cause it's so surprising, pancakes are the only answer, cause who doesn't love pancake, I love pancakes- pancake galore!"

Zoey's mom smiled slightly and her husband raised an eyebrow. Mike was begging in his head that they'd ask him to go get Zoey, or go to the moon- just to avoid ranting to them anymore.

"Mom! Daddy!" When he heard Zoey come from behind he felt a lot better, but he was still an inch away from sweating noticeably.

The parents' looked happier as they opened their arms to hug their daughter. "Sugar-bean!"

*In Zoey& Mike's bathroom, Mike sat on their fuzzy purple toilet seat*

"Yeah, this isn't easy because, well….my first meeting with Zoey's parents didn't go as well as I would've liked it to go."

*Flashback to Zoey's family's house in their quaint kitchen*

It was the day Zoey had brought Mike to first meet her parents. She was leaning against the stove in the kitchen sipping tea brewed from scratch. It was them and her alone and they seemed nervous.

"You guys have nothing to worry about." Zoey assured them.

After watching her on TDROTI, they had a few ideas about their daughter's new fella; they thought he was a nutcase.

"I promise you'll love the real Mike; he's the sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met."

The second after these words left her mouth, the big front window to the breakfast nook exploded. The front of a truck was in the room with glass, wood and other little ceramics shattered around.

In the front seat was Chester, Mike's old man alternative personality, who had his license revoked because of his 13-0 vision.

Chester rolled down the window to mumble, "These dang foreign auto-mobiles with her shaky sticks and incontrollable whose-a-may-what's it's!"

Zoey smiled as cutely as she could as she turned around to look at her parents' stunned faces. She chuckled while her mother's tea pot continued to pour onto the floor while Daddy's face twitched.

*Back in the present, in Mike& Zoey's apartment kitchen*

Mike watched the family reunite; his hands were getting more clammy because he was scared to think of what to do next. His head was so fuddled he couldn't hear what they were saying but the smarter part of him figured it had to do with dentists or diets.

"Sugar-bean, breakfast bars are not sufficient meal no matter what those silly wrappers say-you're just so thin!" Beverly fretted over her daughter, straitening little loose hairs around Zoey's face.

"She's not on drugs so count your blessings." Zoey giggled as her father winked at her. "ZuZu, we've missed you so much since you…"

"Left home?" Zoey suggested; she missed her parents but didn't want this to get ugly.

Henry shrugged, and said, "Sure, let's go with that."

Gently slapping her husband's stomach, Beverly eyed him with an expression that said 'not now'. She smiled at Mike, which might've meant to be nice but there was just a little something in the corner of her eye that scared him.

Zoey noticed poor Mike's distress and said, "Mike, can you get me my cell, it's in the bathroom I think."

Mike nodded, continued smiling stupidly and didn't move because he didn't really comprehend her words.

"Mike?" Zoey said more assertively but not meanly.

Hearing her then, Mike woke up and turned to go to the bathroom, tripping on his feet a little.

"You got red gunk on your check, by the way." Henry loudly said as Mike left. Zoey's face scrunched because she knew everyone knew it was her red lipstick.

"Thank you!" Mike screamed from the other room.

Thinking he was in a safe enough place to hyperventilate, Zoey turned around to talk to her parents.

"So." She said in a tone that was like a jawbreaker; sweet yet hard. "You both look great, I'm happy and no, I will not be going home with you."

Not surprised at Zoey's tiny report, her mother laced her hands together and slightly shook her head. "Sugar-bean, we're not here to drag you away from the life you chose for yourself, we just want to…"

The older woman's face got tender, like it was hard to complete the sentence. Her husband put a beefy hand on her shoulder and finished with equal tenderness;

"We want to be a part of it." His big gray eyes twinkled with softness.

It buttered her up inside, but Zoey had to still say, "Mike's part of that, you know."

"We know." Beverly said.

"He's been horribly guilty since the….accident." Zoey continued, arms crossing.

"We know that too." Henry said, with a little regret in his throat.

She didn't want to get mad at them like the day she left. "If we are going to have any contact again, and then it has to start with you telling Mike there are no hard feelings."

The large man's mustache jiggled a little as he said, "We feel that way, and want to learn to accept him as you have."

More than anything Zoey wanted to believe this. "Promise?"

The older couple exchanged a look and then stared at their only child. "Whatever it takes; how bout we take you two to dinner. Hmm?" Z's mom said.

Zoey put her guard down a bit because she really wanted this to happen. " Alright."

*in Z&M's bathroom*

Zoey: "More than anything I want my whole family together; dad and Vito playing football in the yard, Smith and Mom on 'treasure hunts' for Easter eggs-" she used air-quotes as she said that, "and Chester and Daddy would fall asleep to Christmas specials with my kids on their laps; it'd be like two grandpas at once!"

She curled her hands together in delight, "That's not asking for too much, right?"

*In M&Z's bedroom*

Zoey walks in to see Mike shuffling in the bathroom cabinet. He looked adorably frantic as he threw things behind him- her lady items, soaps, and then she saw him take little orange pill bottles.

Seeing him about to unscrew the top, Zoey rushed over to grab them out of his hands.

"I'm allowing one valium but that's it." Zoey warned- she was pushing Mike's chest with one hand as another stretched out of reach from Mike's hands.

"Oh come on! Zoey, just two of the little red ones and I'll able to get through this!" Mike pleaded.

"No- they make you a vegetable and no one likes Veggie Mike!" Zoey said, hoping it wasn't too mean.

Mike laughed a crazy sort of laugh, as he stopped trying to push her and instead reason with his girlfriend.

"Please, just let me put in roots because if you don't; BOOM, Svetlanna will pop out jumping on your dad like a jungle gym." Mike sat on the fuzzy purple matt.

"My mom took ballet; they can discuss forms and stuff." She sat down next to him and put an arm around her boyfriend.

"No one is gonna 'pop out' because everyone is going to be nice to everyone." She kissed his check and whispered, "I'll make sure of it."

The chances of his future in-laws ever liking him weren't high, but disappointing Zoey without even trying was wrong. So Mike gave her a tiny smile, stood up went to the cabinet and took just two aspirins.

He wigged the cup of water and kept his eyes on her and drank the whole cup. Zoey silently clapped, took his hand and mouthed 'thank you'.

…..

It was the second night Zoey's parents were still in town and nothing had gone wrong.

Mike had actually been having a nice time with Henry and Beverly. They seemed to have truly grown to like him as a person and a young man dating their daughter. After saying they forgave his 'accident', they never mentioned his condition and the Personalities didn't pop out. Chester did want to pop out when Mike lost a bet with Z's father about some sport TV show but Mike was in such peace he held back the crazy.

The parents were happy, so Zoey got her family together and everything was peaches and cream.

After a pleasant dinner, the four were laughing jolly laughs.

"And that's how I why I never try the fish." Z's father finished.

Mike laughed, "That's a great story, Henry."

"Yeah, the first time you hear it- by story time six it loses some oomph." Zoey good-naturally said.

Z's father waved his index finger in her direction. She made a face that everyone at the table saw to be the cutest thing ever.

With everything going so well, Zoey felt it safe to leave Mike alone with her parents. She had just got a call from Cameron about a small misfortune he got into. He was only a floor above them so Zoey said she'd be back in no time at all.

"Just don't show him the book, alright." She pleaded her folks.

Mike gave her a suspicious look that said 'Oh really?', and she returned it with a 'look and you die' face.

Opening the door, Zoey looked over her shoulder to see the people she loved most drinking together and liking one another. Bliss, she thought closing the door and leaving.

"So, was Zoey a chubby baby? She has to have had chipmunk cheeks at least once." Mike said, sitting without a care in the world.

The joyful faces Zoey's parents had on while she was in the room left. Leaving cold, vengeful, menacing faces- making them both look older.

Mike saw this but since it was creepy he kept smiling. "Cats got your tongues?"

"No, loony, we can talk." Beverly said, without a trace of sweetness.

"Freer than we've been able to this whole trip." Henry admitted, his huge arms flexing with the release of his true emotions.

"This whole excruciating trip." Z's mother pronounced with deliberate exaggeration.

Mike almost swallowed his tongue but kept his strained smiled, "Did I miss something?"

"We've read all we could online, saw all the movies and tv-shows; over a thousand hours of research which makes us experts on your condition." Z's mother explained; her face was a lot like Zoey…and imagining Zoey looking at Mike like that was like a mace to his head.

"We also watched every episode of that fiendish game show Sugar-bean went on." His neck veins popped out, "Every .single. Episode."

Mike's eyes flinched at the hate in the older man's voice.

"You know, you can't believe everything you find on…" He would've defended himself but their cold stares informed him they didn't want to hear anything he had to say.

"We still don't like you." Beverly pointed out the obvious. "In fact, we actively can't stand you."

Mike nodded, "Yes, m'am I'm collecting that."

"I wanted caramel grandchildren but NOT if they're from you." Beverly says, almost on a brink of hysteria. She holds herself back and reaches under the table for something.

Mike's smile completely dropped then and he was wishing for a sledge hammer or time machine to drop from the ceiling.

"Zoey won't listen to reason." Henry says angrily, Mike notices he's pushing against the table like he wanted to get up. "My little girl, my heart, would rather live with a freak like you than talk to her own-"

"Henry." Z's mother gently stops him with her hand and coldly stares at the young man. She felt the same as her husband but held in her insults to get to the more important matters.

"Our Zoey won't give you up for anything; we'd do anything for our daughter except accept you as her life-partner. So…" She says as she digs through her purse.

Out of the purse comes a check book and pen. "How much will it cost?"

Mike blinks.

"We are willing to offer whatever price you can think of as long as you break up with our daughter." Zoey's father explains to Zoey's miserable boyfriend.

"This includes making it convincing; so go on, make up a number!" Z's mother says, cracking her façade of control a little bit.

"We used the kitchen-pair money in stock exchanges; it was a lucky week so you can go crazy- pun intended." Henry stated, his eyes throwing as many shard of ice as they could.

Mike hadn't moved anything ….then he gasped loudly and hung his head.

Beverly and Henry shared a scared glance. "Hun, is that changing thing?" Z's father asked.

"Give it a minute." Beverly cautiously stated.

Then the boy they equally hated sat up, pushed his spiky hair back and grinned a wickedly at them.

"What interest do yous have in my assistance?" Vito said as he ripped Mike's shirt off.

Henry put an arm around his wife and twisted her around. Henry: "He's one of the 'others'…does that still counts?"

Before Beverly said anything, Vito loudly states, "Oh, it counts Shamu, Mikey-boy can't act but the V is a regular Di Nero; and he's in need of a new Jagular."

Zoey was turning the handle to her apartment door, expecting to see everyone eating ice cream and singing 'My Fair Lady'.

"Hey,I hope everyone didn't have too much fun-"

She was pushing the door open, but it was stopped by Vito.

"Whoa, whoa, little girl, the adults are talking-yous come back in a day or two. Kay kiddie?"

Vito was pushing the door closed but Zoey wasn't making it easy for him.

"Vito, I swear to G-" She had her angry face on, Mike would find it hot but to Vito it was annoying.

He pushed her back, didn't hurt her but it was enough for her to lose her grip and not be in the door entrance. Vito gave her a wink then shut and locked the door.

Zoey started beating the door until she remembered she had a key. The key unlocked the door but with a chair on the angle it was in between the wall and door, Zoey wasn't getting in.

Vito turned around to Zoey's parents, his attitude encouraged their assumptions that their daughter was with the wrong type of guy.

"Now," Vito sat down across from them, putting his arm around the back of the chair. "Talk to me about figures."

Henry looked down at his wife; the man would slice his arm off for his daughter but his second greatest desire with the money would be using it for a pool. The idea of giving up his pool to this ugly freak was grinding his gears.

He watched Z's mother write down a figure- enough to buy a car or three. Vito took the paper and threw his head back and laughed. He reached over the table, grabbed the pen out of Beverly's hand. He wrote a few more zeros down and passed it back to Beverly. Vito gave a sideways smile and made a clicking sound when both hands were on the paper.

Beverly read it, and smiled coolly. "For this much, how long until we expect a break up?"

"Wells, if yous want it believable, I gotta do it sa-low-ly.(he was holding a wine glass, rolling it in his fingers) Maybe a week- two if yous really wanna see yous daughter's soul _crushed_." Vito broke the cup of the glass in his palm; no blood. "I will break the peace that's in this cozy home; as yous twos have done tonight."

This kid was really screwed up, Henry thought. He knew this before coming but really witnessing it then frightened him. The kid was as dangerous as the father feared; one minute he looked like a disgustingly smitten twerp gooey-gooey-eyeing Zoey and now he's a brash punk about to trade a girl for money. There couldn't be a world where his only child lived with this psycho on a daily basis. She was the sweetest thing ever made and Henry wasn't going to let her waste her life anymore.

Beverly was just as concerned but less revived up as Henry, "I think I've made an offer you can't refuse. (Vito smiled ironically) A very generous one."

Vito was counting the zeros on the paper, "You's like a Mother Teresa or something. Consider it done and done."

The deal was in place; Beverly felt like a bowl of cherries and started signing the check.

Henry hadn't relaxed yet, "We have _your_ word you'll take the money AND break up with Zoey too?"

"Henry, don't doubt the man's integrity." Beverly said; she stayed pleasant and professional.

"Hun, how do we know he won't just turn into the old man again and forget the whole idea? " Henery stared straight into Vito's flat eyes, "Huh, Mike? How can we trust you'll do the deec?"

"I ain't Mike." Vito said carefully, "And yous got a fair question. I can assure you's two that Ima gonna play your anti-cupid cause I'm not into your little Strawberry Shortcake like Mikey is."

Beverly found this insanity fascinating as a person, and sickening as a mother.

"How, I asks yous, how is the V suppose to live his own life and bring back his own girls with Susie Home Baker hanging around."

Heavy bashing sounds were coming from the door. "VITO! LET ME IN!"

Vito rolled his eyes, "See what I put up with, here?" He turned his head and yelled, "IT'S NOT YUR BED TIME YET, GO GETs A ROOTBEER FLOAT ER SOMETHING!"

Zoey didn't hear what was going on in her apartment but knew Vito was doing something immoral with her parents.

"LET ME IN or your muffler gets it!" Zoey threatened.

"WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF AN ANIMAL!?"Vito yells, arms in the air, punching his hands. He turned around to face Zoey's unsettled parents. "Take off a zero, Ima doing this for fun!"

Nothing changed on Zoey's side of the door so she kicked it two more times, realized it was stupid and then went back up stairs to borrow something from Cameron.

The ink on the check was dry, so Vito kissed it once and considered all the pretty things he could buy now.

Henry whispered to his wife, "You think the boy's gonna do it? What do we do when 'Mike' comes out?"

Beverly rubbed her husband's big shoulders affectionately, "By then Zoey will be a million miles away and the name 'Mike' will be taboo."

Looking at the tan boy kiss the check again, Z's father felt true relief in his chest that the nightmare with his daughter will finally end.

Everything was going so well, until the three schemers in the apartment heard something like a chainsaw from the other side of the door. Then the blade of a chainsaw came through; it went around the door handle and chain, making the locks useless. The chair was still her way, Zoey kicked the door hard enough to move it.

Vito sat unimpressed, but was a tiny bit amused at the mangia cakes' scared expressions.

Zoey smoothly walked in with a chainsaw in her left hand. She looked at Vito, not an ounce of friendliness in her glare.

*In Z&M's bathroom*

Henry sitting on the fuzzy purple toilet seat: "I've always liked that my little girl was outspoken and strong…but this just scars the s#$% outta me."

*Present; night in the apartment kitchen, Zoey is walking towards Vito, who's sitting across from her parents*

"I will deal with you later." Zoey quietly said to Vito.

With mock fear, Vito says ," Owww, I'm in trouble now." He snickers.

Zoey gives Vito an angry look then turns to give her parents a pleading one. "Mom, Dad, you can't take anything he says seriously- this isn't Mike."

"Sugar-bean, please put the chainsaw down." Zoey's mother asked.

"I'm sorry that you guys had to see 'Commando Zoey', (she giggles as she puts the chainsaw in the closest) but dealing with certain people (her eyes flicker to Vito) you need to be a little more…abrasive."

Beverly nods, as if she understands that this is all very normal. "Butternut, it's not our place to judge,"

"The hell it is." Henry's eyes were bugging out.

Beverly felt him boiling up next to her. "Henry, we are going to-"

"No, we are. Dammitt, we're her parents, and I am stopping this now- dammitt, now!" Henery got out of his seat, Beverly tried to pull him back.

"Daddy I know this all seems bad but I-"

"No! It's not okay dokey!" Henry loudly said to her, louder than either of them had ever heard.

"Baby girl, this isn't normal, this isn't right and I cannot wait two weeks for it to be over!" He grabbed Zoey's shoulders gently and she looked in his face in a shock not very far away from fear.

"Just stop this craziness, please." Henry pleaded with her.

Zoey bit her tongue and stayed firm, "You have to understand, not everything is in black and white-"

"No, Sugar-bean it is. Your mother and I don't like this. We don't like him (he gestured to Vito) and it will only be on my gravestone that you say you can be happy with this for the rest of your life." Henry finally got to say what he wanted to.

Beverly knew it may have been the worst thing he could try.

Inside her heart was cracking, but Zoey had to do this. "I am so sorry you feel that way, Daddy." She said and pushed herself out of his big hands.

"Zoey, I'm serious," Henry chuckled in desperation, "You can't imagine how much you mother and I have gone through- what we're willing to do …"

"Yeah, like bribe her coo-coo-ca-chu boyfriend to dump her chalk-white ass."Vito interrupted, he was sick of the family soap opera.

Zoey's eyes went out of her head a little. "Say what?"

Beverly shot razors at Vito; she was mad at Zoey's father for breaking down but Vito ratting them out was something he could've not done.

"Don't go all hissy with me, Momma Dearest- I've saving the Elephant Man the time; the big bitch woulda blabbered that all too so mightas well get it out nows." Vito explained, tired of everyone's bull s%^&.

This was fastest way to earn Zoey's full dislike at her parents and Henry's hate for Mike/Vito at the same time. "Boy, I'm gonna wash your mouth-"

"You're not gonna touch him." Zoey warned.

Henry looked at his furious daughter; she looked like Zoey but all her sweetness was dried out.

Zoey's mother went between her husband and daughter; facing Zoey she tried to explain their actions. Zoey refused to listen, and walked away from the hug her mother was trying to give.

Not wanting to hear what they had to say, Zoey asked them to just leave. They stared at her with sad expressions.

"Just. Go….please." Zoey asked them, she sounded winded and rough.

Beverly held her head high, grabbed her purse and faced the door. She looked at her husband staring at Zoey then told him that they were leaving. There were a hundred things Henry could think of doing to extend this but none of them were very smart.

He turned toward the door, but stopped to look at Vito. -guy had been leaning against the wall to watch the drama.

"This isn't over." Henry pronounced each word in a way that showed his teeth gritting.

Vito licked his lips, "Any time, anywhere- yous can find me in the yellow-pages under 'Street-treat yous paid to f #$' your-

"Muffler, Vito." Zoey said in a heated way to let him know she meant it.

Vito gave an arrogant smile to Henry then watched the parents leave out the broken door.

"No wunder yous a flippin basket-case; them parents of yours- damn! I mean with family like that, who needs enemies? " Vito happily looked at the check they didn't ask back for. Then he wondered if they would freeze the account before he could cash it in.

These cheerful thoughts were interrupted by Zoey's crying.

Vito saw from the side that Zoey had sat down and started sobbing. The man had the choice to just walk to the other room or out the door because she wasn't his girl and not his problem. But a small little part of him knew walking out on this weeping girl would get him a thunder bolt to his head and he wanted to live past Tuesday.

He rolled his eyes, grunted then walked over to lightly kick her. Zoey looked up, expecting nothing positive from the bastard that tired to sell her out.

"Yo, pasty." He stared.

Zoey just waited for him to say something rude.

"I gots what you need."

*In a really small, badly decorated pizza joint, Vito and Zoey share a booth*

"I can't think of a single thing I could've changed- I keep thinking of stuff I should've noticed so Mike would've been so humiliated like he was…"

Vito was listening to her, despite how boring it was, and nodded in the right places.

"My parents really aren't villains, they're just really uneducated about how complicated living with someone who has Multiple Personalities is- and how Mike is so worth it all when he's himself and-"

"Pasty!" Vito couldn't hear another word, "Shut up, and take a bite of the pizza, will ya!?"

Miffed that someone as sensitive as Mike could think up someone as awful as Vito always amazed Zoey; but the fact he had brought her out at all said Vito did have a tiny little nice part in him.

In appreciation for Vito's tiny attempt at humanity, Zoey took a little bite. It was unbelievably delicious; Zoey swallowed the piece in a minute then started chewing on the next one.

Vito laughed a bit and took a swig of his beer. "There is nothing _this_ can't cure; I came in here after I got rejected from Joisey Bay."

He muttered swears while Zoey chewed on the pizza. It had everything a good pizza should have; tons of flavor and not healthy at all.

"It's really nice that you brought me here." Zoey said while looking at the tiny alligator salt shaker and the statue of liberty pepper shaker, "Really nice for the guy who was willing to trick me into dumping my boyfriend."

It was about time she brought that up, Vito shrugged, "Nothing personal, girlie. The V is need of some new worldly possessions to complete my basic needs in the society we live in."

It weirded Zoey out when Vito had hints of spiritually around his words. "I figured you'd use the money to buy a new Jaguar."

"I ain't a monk." Vito informed her.

The idea of Vito ever having to shave his head or wear a shirt made Zoey laugh out loud; it felt nice after feeling her heart crackle. Vito was a selfish jerk but deep down he had a soft side deep down. Deep down he was Mike underneath…in a way. There was no telling when Mike would come back; Zoey didn't want to dwell on what just happened with anyone else but Mike so Vito and his nonsense would have to do.

After emptying a couple dozen bottles, Vito and Zoey were getting along better than they ever had before.

"The nerve of them to lie to my face then tell me they loaaave me! Those- those-" Zoey was trying to think of something bad enough.

"Need help, Snowhite?" Vito said, sounding off-kilter.

"Do you call me that cause I'm a wimpy princess or cause I'm really, really pale?" Zoey asked.

Vito motioned his hand around to find an answer in the air. "You's, you's a chipper, goody goody - like some sorta saint or something. Ever seen a tan saint?"

"No, but I don't go to church so I really wouldn't know." Zoey admitted.

Vito made some tsking noises. "That explains you not honoring yous mother and father- rat-faced assh*les or not."

Zoey started whimpering, "You're right…I'm the worst!"

In sudden self-pity, Zoey put her head in her crossed arms. Vito saw this and wouldn't allow it. He grabbed her back pigtails and lifted her head up. Their faces were very close; Zoey could smell his gross hair-gel.

"Listen, Casper the Whiney Ghost"Vito/Mike's brown eyes stared through to her soul, "yous stood by yaur man and didn't let no one tell yous howta live yaur life, flaws and all- Momma and Daddy were lookin for yous but yous choose to stick to yaur guns and that is neva a wrong choice."

Vito said a lot of stupid things, mostly copied quotes from _Godfathe_r movies, this was the first time Zoey saw some genuine righteousness in him.

His face was mean, his hair looked icky and he had that same cute gap in his teeth Mike had.

…

It was the next day and Zoey was exhausted. She had slept in because stayed up late doing….something…the night before. Her head was heavy so it took her a minute to absorb her surroundings. What she collected in the first few minutes was she was home in bed, it was mid-day to almost afternoon, she wasn't wearing anything under the blanket and her body felt exercised.

She heard from the bathroom the shower turn off.

"Back in my day we would boil the water ourselves; that way we'd know how hot it was and that it would stay hot until I said so!" Chester complained as he slowly dragged his tried feet across to the kitchen.

Panic was growing in Zoey's head as she started to consider what might have brought out Chester. "Eep!"

*In Z&M's bathroom*

Zoey looks guilty: "I couldn't have possibly….me and Vito?! Blah! I mean, yeah, he was nicer to me than he ever usually is but would it really take that little for me to….BLAH! (rubbing the back of her neck)The only reason I'm even thinking about considering it is last night is fuzzy and Chester is out; which means either Mike is really upset about what he woke up to or just about what happened with Mom and Dad."

Zoey notices a little bruise on her shoulder; she hangs her head in worry.

*in M&Z's kitchen, Chester is waiting for the toast to come out.*

Zoey in a bright red robe comes in the kitchen and looks at her boyfriend in the form of a grumpy old guy.

"Chester, your doctor said you can't have bread, or chips or any sort of starch." Zoey reminded him; Mike could but Chester was more prone to getting sick on foods with flavor.

"Commie doctors and their rules; next they'll say meat doesn't have the iron you need!" Chester complained as he sat down at the table. It still had the glass Vito broke last night and the empty glasses that belonged to Zoey's parents.

She sighed then took them to the sink. Deciding she wanted to talk about everything before she erased it all, she turned to Chester who was wearing a teal robe and matching bunny slippers.

"Um, Chester, could you please ask Vito to come out- I need to talk to him." Zoey asked as sweetly as she could.

"You know that ain't how it works, Nurse." Chester said sourly, "Why'd anyone wanna talk to that big-noised doofus; always taking his shirt off and punching out authority figures- they should lock him up! But the legal system these days is so soft -"

Zoey knew Chester was starting a big rant so she'd have to get drastic. He continued complaining about police and politics yatta yatta, while Zoey went get some rope from Smith's box in Mike's closet.

Next thing Chester noticed was his hands were tied behind his back and to the back of the chair. His feet were tied to the stools of the chair. The red-haired nurse that lived in the apartment with him had him facing her instead of the table.

Ignoring Chester's questions, Zoey gently slide the robe down his shoulders and unloosened his sash. Chester threatened to call her nursing agency for rape, Zoey just wished in her head that this old trick would work.

Chester made a loud gasp, like Mike did when his brain was reorganizing itself, and Vito emerged.

"Who's I gotta do to get a biscotti round here?" he asked in his usual vulgar attitude.

Zoey had her serious face on. "You're not funny, you're not Mike and even if my parents do hate us I'm staying by my man!" she said this all very fast, so Vito had to guess at what she was saying.

"Somewheres in that I thinks I heard 'Oww with a Poodle'?" Vito said in a bored tone.

"Vito!" Zoey exasperatedly said, "I just wanna know. Did you and I….?" She couldn't look him in the face.

"f# % ?"Vito asked with very little interest.

Zoey played with her lips, wishing Mike were there but (sad as it was to admit) he rarely was.

"Telling yous this will crush yours wittle dreams and fantasies…no. Yous didn't get any candy." Vito said with less interest than he would watching paint dry.

"Oh thank Goodness." Lacing both hands together, Zoey hopped in place. "Why was I naked in bed this morning?"

Vito did a short chuckle then said, "Yous barfed on yours clothes, like a first timer does and Fat Pauli wouldn't let me leave your sorry ass there."

A part of her chest gained the tiniest bit of warmth. "Aww, you brought my gross butt home and tucked me in."

Her cutesy voice started to bug him; if he ignored Zoey, she'd go away. Vito noticed he was tied up, and tried to undo them himself. Tugging on the rope would make it tighter but Vito figured he was strong enough to break the sissy ropes.

"Wait, was taking my underwear off really necessary?" Zoey asked the guy stupidly giving himself brush burns.

He eyed her up and down,"Just a little curiosity, kiddie. It didn't do as much fa me as I woulda thought."

The insult didn't annoy Zoey like it would if it came from a real person; it was one of Mike's personalities. Even if this personality meant it, he'd be gone in no time and her Mike would be there to be his real sweet, fun and just plain good self.

She knew Smith had quality, very-hard-to-break rope so Vito wasn't getting out anytime soon. And since he attempted to break her and Mike up he could use a time-out. But he was also nice to her last night when she needed it so maybe Vito didn't deserve too much torture.

Zoey patted his icky greasy hair affectionatly, which annoyed him. "I'll make you that egg in the middle of bread thing you like."

Vito swore under his breath but didn't want to admit defeat to Zoey's ropes.

"I love you too, Vito." She said, not as full of irony as she could've said.


End file.
